For years I have used the above quote in my workshops all over this land. I have understood it at a head level, aspired for it , wanted it but rarely if ever experienced it.
Most of my life has been lived with the internal soundtrack of “You should be doing something else; you should be somewhere else, you should want different things, you should be someone else ” and all variations on this theme. Most of the time I had no answers as to where else I should be, what else I should be doing or who else I should be. Yet that did not stop the soundtrack, it just made it louder and more chaotic in its neurosis.
This year of cutting back has affored me the time and space to experience this soundtrack and it accompanying film being played out in its monotonous regularity from morning til night, day in day, like a Duracell Bunny at Christmas, except this had wonderful batteries that somehow never seem to run out. Part of my commitment in taking this time out has been to see what new practices I could try out. Thus I have given myself a new soundtrack” This is where you are meant to be right now; this is what you are meant to be doing right now and this is who you are meant to be right now”.
Wow the difference is truly remarkable. It is like listening to a totally different radio station- none of the usual presenters are giving their tuppence worthy. The voices are different, the sound and quality of the broadcast is remarkable different. Almost like the difference between the quality of mono and stereo sound. I can hear the quiet shift in the nuances, the warmth in the quality of communication, the new way of listening and hearing and particularly the growing capacity to breathe out wholeheartedly.
Today was a marked example of what I mean. I set up my computer, books, flip chart and notes to continue my preparation for the upcomimg Heartbeat module.
As I put everything together I could sense a restlessness inside me. When I stopped to listen to what the restlessness might have to say I was standing looking out the diningroom window at a most beautiful view of the sea, sky and sun. I recognised then my deep desire to be outside on such a beautifully rare day.
I had a familiar conversation with myself bartering re how much time I could go out for and how I could plan as I walked or listen to my ipod with some interesting relevant programme so I’d be both walking outside and preparing the workshop at the same time. On went coat, hat, scarf, gloves and boots as the bright sunhine inside belied a cold breeze outside.
As I walked and looked around at the 360 degree stunning views off Claddaghduff and Omey Island I heard a voice inside me say “freedom is having whatever experience you are having without wishing it was different”. Immediately I tuned into where I was, to the sounds of breaking waves in the distant sea; to the lapping of water at the nearby lake shore; to the vastness of the blue sky above with wispy clouds adding their own unique patterns; to the bright yellow sun beaming overhead, adding a warmth which meant my hat came on and off at regular intervals; to cows with their calves munching hay; to horses standing with their backs to the cool breeze; to swans bobbing lightly in the middle of the lake; to dogs barking in the distance; to the odd car passing. I was actually present. I had given myself permission to let go all ideas of planning and BE with the experience I was having-no bartering, no bargaining, no giving out- just the opportunity to practice being with my experience.
I finally experienced a felt sense of the the freedom of being with my experience fully and in the moment. It was a moment of magic. It being a beautiful day support me in this new learning. Yet I have had many beautiful days here when I could not find it within me to allow myself this opportunity.
Making space is allowing me to rewire my brain to value new and healthy practices as today and now I am ready to have the experience of preparing for my workshop.